Are You Enjoying the Relationship/Marriage You Envisioned?
You cannot be in balance if your home life is not in order.
I had a gentleman call me about relationship coaching. He was concerned about his relationship with his wife and the impact it was having on their marriage, and on their children. After a conversation we agreed to work together, but only with certain understandings. One was that he understand and agree that during our sessions we would never have a conversation about his wife. He initially questioned this. I explained that we would focus on and talk only about the attitudes, beliefs, words and behaviors that were under his control, his own. Over a period of time that he began to understand why, and when he did, he was all in!
As I tell all my male clients seeking to improve their relationships:
"We and no one else are totally responsibility for ourselves, our attitudes, our beliefs, our words, and our actions. Anytime we try to rationalize and justify our own behavior based on something someone else says or does, we are headed down a dead end road."
Before I started clarifying this up front, it was not uncommon for my clients to share what their spouse was doing or saying, and then try to use this to justify their own words and behaviors.
If you really want to make a change in your personal relationships, first and foremost, look within. Don't waste your time thinking the first thing that needs to happen is for someone else to change some aspect of their behavior. Accept the fact that you have no control (which I define as an illusion) over what another person says or does.
If you want a loving relationship, then step up and model a loving relationship. You want open communication with your spouse, then share openly. You want a trusting relationship, then be trustworthy and demonstrate trust in your spouse. Set the example and don't do any of this expecting something in return. You have to do these things, and do them consistently over what ever time it takes to make a difference. While you do not control the behaviors of others, you can influence them through consistent behaviors you yourself demonstrate. Yes, it does take two, but it has to start somewhere. Let it start with you.
Every time you look at your spouse, imagine a big sign around her neck that reads, "make me feel important," and then do it. A day should never pass that you do not express to her something that you appreciate or admire about her. Don't wait for an opportunity to compliment her, create the opportunity, and whenever possible in the presence of others. It should go without saying, but we won't chance that, never let a day go by that you don't tell her how much you love her.
My wife and I are getting ready to celebrate twelve blessed years of marriage. Even now, I still ask her on a frequent basis to marry me. I figure as long as she continues to say yes, I'm ok!
The bottom line, if you (and your spouse) are completely satisfied with the relationship you have, then continue to do what you have been doing. If you are like most of us, there are likely some areas that could be improved. If there are, step up and take the responsibility to make the improvements. While it is never about the behavior of just one person, you will be amazed the changes you can effect when you just focus on the changes you make with yourself.
Don't sit around waiting for someone else to initiate a change, or think it's going to change on it's on. The sooner you initiate the beginnings of a change, the soon you and your entire family will enjoy the benefits of the change.
If you would like to know more about how to create the relationship you really desire, I would love to share more with you. If you will respond to this blog and send your email address, I will send you the "Six Steps You Can Take on a Daily Basis to Create the Relationship of Your Dreams." As I always say, "Limits are self-imposed." There is no one holding you back by you.